It starts with that lovely song. Depth & Current song. My mood was okay. I was completely okay. Then I want to go to bed and took one of the helpers. You know how they works, they let your mind wandering. Then a sound from my phone completely ruin everything. No, not everything. Maybe mood. And all remains the same. I’ll never be special. Not with this just one person. It’s like everyone. Then come rejection, once again. Like Beauty’s Confusion song. And the lyrics after that (rejection once again) is “I don’t want to try anymore” it’s amazing how bands I love could really reflect my life.

Then it hits me, why I’m afraid to even get the heart broken. It’s easily taken care of. Of course. 6/7 month is the first awful broken heart experience. But after that, it took me only 2 weeks, and a hair cut and 2 weeks of non-stop drinking. Mrs. Smirny and Mr. Purple. No, no one was there. Then the third, only 3 or up to 5 days, consists of non stop drinking once again, but with a crowd. Funny people crowd who couldn’t care less about the world and if they’re being sarcastic out loud, again, they couldn’t care less. And of course, a mixtape from a friend, a new friend to be exact, reflecting of what I’ve been through and how to get it out. He even put a song that reflects me. Like a song called camera. And songs that not exactly cheering up, but gave me the soothe.

A friend asked, why I’m afraid to be heart broken while you know you can easily handle it. The process, The hurt. It’s like you’re afraid of falling down but you know for sure, it will heal.

I wouldn’t call this a heartbreak heartbreak, but it breaks my heart that I’m not special in the slightest.

My friends gonna come over tonight and gonna have a sleepover. With bunch of funny crowd, alcohol, I’m sure I’ll be fine the next day. But the timing is amazing. They couldn’t pick better day than today to have a party. I love them though I’m, again, isn’t so special.

It really is, the devil in details. Brian Molko is a prophet, and Placebo is the book of the Prophet.

If only I don’t hear details, maybe I’ll sleep sound this morning.

I can’t wait for tonight. Bunch of laughter awaits.

I know I’m rambling, fuck it. Life is.

But this perfect night gave me a bad thought. I was hugging everyone, and everyone was so very friendly. I don’t want to think it’s a sign that something will happen to me. But it feels like that alright. Even i am crying now. I want to be with them longer. My so-called second family which protect each other. And know each other well enough.

I even got a chance to be lifted up in a moshpit. One thing I have never experienced. A bit cheesy, yes. But I value little things. I value every moment earlier.

And I just don’t want something happen to me in the near future. I want to be with them longer.

And by this I’ve finally  got to say, Yesterday Ends  Today.

Ketika suara feedback dari gitarmu berlebihan dan salah satu dari temanmu berkata “udah, hajar aja hajar” tanpa meperdulikannya lagi, kamu langsung masuk ke dalam intro lagu ciptaanmu. Hari ini kami merayakan kami. Walaupun gedung yang biasa penuh sesak ini sekarang lowong, hanya sedikit gumpulan orang yang ingin lebih dekat dengan band-band yang sedang menjajaki microphone dan gitar. tapi di dalam sedikit gumpulan orang itu banyak terjadi canda, tawa, timpalan lucu dan satu yang pasti, tidak ada yang bermuka muram di sini. Ini baru namanya up, close, and personal. Tidak seperti yang para promotor besar itu janjikan. Disini kami hadirkan persaudaraan, pertemanan, percintaan, dan romansa yang tidak dapat kamu temukan dengan gumpulan manusia yang lain.

Tidak ada yang dibiarkan melamun di sini, walaupun sebenarnya ini adalah perayaan untuk kemalasan, tapi kamu tidak akan dapat waktu sendiri untuk bermain dengan kalimat-kalimat di dalam isi otakmu. Semua saling menyapa, semua saling mengenal, tidak dibiarkan tempat untuk menjadi orang asing, hari ini.

dan semangat dan imajinasi berlebihan yang membawa melankoli juga telah hanyut bersama beberapa distraksi sebelum menulis ini. ADD, guilty as charged. I’m gonna try another day.

but surely, for today, the phrase that defines today was “The Scene That Celebrates Itself!”

She was, and still is my best friend. No matter how far gap we’ve had, at the end of the day, we’re still shoulder to shoulder, sleeping sound on my bed. We’re two fragile people who were always there when one’s down. If we’re having fun, we let that euphoria slip. Besides, a shoulder is always be leaned on when one’s have to cry, no? I’m willing to skip the good part only to know, she won’t let me skip the bad part.

Te iubesc, Uci :* si multumesc..

IAMX – spit it out

And if you’re hurting
I will replace the noise with silence instead
Flushing out your head

 
If you like it violent
We can play rough and tumble
Fall into bed
And I won’t breathe so you can recover

 
When you’re in pieces
Just follow the echo of my voice
It’s okay
Tune into that frequency

 
Don’t fight your reflex
Embrace the instinct
You can feel your way
Through the bed and weak face in the end

 
’cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
’cause them people never play the game
And we talk the talk
We communicate
The people need love
Those people never play the game

 
Pleasure for pleasure
It eases consequence
And love for a fall
But I know you love to take a risk

 
The past is weakness
Don’t beg the question when the answer is war
There are moments when I’m overcome

 
’cause it breaks my heart
That we live this way
I know people need love
’cause them people never play the game
And we talk the talk
We communicate
Them people need love
Those people never play the game

 
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
In love

Yeah, listening to these songs, I think it’s like a time machine. It leads you back to where you’ve wanted. For example, I’m listening to Everything is Made in China. It reminds me in my creative days, even jaywalking could create a what I’ve called an art. Maybe some of you disagree, but it involved feelings. For me, My photos hold have some magical feelings in it. Romantic feelings that you couldn’t afford anywhere else and you just can get it from me.

Yeah, because I want to impress that one person. A Russian in Germany. A Russian in Liverpool. I’ve even thinking about going to Liverpool. And when he didn’t got internet access, I was literally dying, that was 2 years ago. And I was listening to a Russian musician called Sergej Babkin, and one thing I hate about shuffle is, it brings your mood upside down. It played Zaberi. And I tell you, it’s not a cheerful music. Though I don’t have any idea of what it means, but it sounds sad.

Forward 3 years later, turned out we have mutual feelings towards each other. But I don’t want to be the clingy personality that I was. So i just keep it to myself. He is my safe zone. He always there when I was down. And also the other way around. No matter how many times I fall for other person, in the end I always ended up running to him. I don’t believe in marriage, but if marriage is a “home” then one thing for sure, I would marry him. Because he’s always the home. The place that I always come home to. No matter how far the journey I was in. And surprisingly, he is too.

You know what lyrics represents best of the situation of him and I?

With every word i live again
Through the eyes of another
We’ll meet at night wet from the rain
And surprise each other
With how we take away the pain.

I don’t know those eyes
But i see beauty there always
I know it’s wrong to love you from afar

You recognize my pain

 

No matter how far we’ve travelled, we always looking for each other in the end. I don’t know if it’s just me, but seems like he is too.

I just wish he is here right now.

There’s a time, when he was always there, waiting for me to get on board and we’ll talk the night away. But right now, it’s the opposite. The sunshine still creeps into my room the same way as 4 years ago. At this time of day, there will be a line that drew from the peep hole that I couldn’t reach to close it up, to the wall. It was beautiful. And still is beautiful. You know the person that I am. Sentimental kind of person. Melancholic. Mellow even. I make big deals from small things. But I don’t sweat it, I just want to always remember. Call the OCD that I am, I am hoarding memories.

A part of Death Cab For Cutie’s Steadier footing that could match me right now.

but we just talk about
the people we’ve met in the last five years
and will we remember them in ten more?

and now I’m gonna go get myself a new haircut. Just the bangs though. He won’t be here today. Call the ADD that I am. I get distracted easily.

and I miss it, I truly miss it. Beratnya kantung mata, ringannya kepala yang dapat jatuh ke pundak seseorang seketika. hanya karena tidak adanya kekuatan untuk menegakkan kembali leher ini. aku ingat, beberapa waktu lalu di acara drum n’ bass. ketika sekian banyak pil yang kutelan tidak membuatku untuk menjadi hiperaktif, tapi aku hanya ingin menyisip bir dan mencari tempat duduk. teman-temanku hanya dapat berkata “awas roboh, awas roboh” bercandaan lawas para penyender dinding, leher bangku, dan sebagainya.

Alkohol sama-sama memabukkan. Tapi aku hanya ingin terbang ringan dengan kantung mata yang memberat.

We are the youth of anti-depressants. Or at least I am. and I always note this to my self, Heaven is surely on earth, and I can assure you it’s messy. And a mess provides a messy situation. I’m no longer just a disaster, but also a mess. If not, why do I need help from those pills to make me feel at ease. Anxiety surely isn’t freedom. This time, I disagree with Richey.

Continue here.

again, click here if you’re interested to play it on the 8tracks’ page.

hope you have a nice one, and aim for a smile

Where to begin?
This snake has left us with the last year skin
eyeless diamonds of a life that’s been and done
Memory is blind.

Where did it end?
We fell together like an accident
two lives colliding like continents
There be mountains between us and time.

Low slung and highly strung she said run with that
Low slung and highly strung she said run with that

All right you can take me for a long ride
My heart is high like a returning tide
Highlight your body like a coast line

Hey miss, I always said I wouldn’t reminisce
Become too busy with regrets to create a kiss oh but i was unwise

Once I thought I was the hero they were waiting for
And with my words I would change the law
And remake it as mine.

Low slung and highly strung she said run with that
Low slung and highly strung she said run with that

All right you can take me for a long ride
My heart is high like the returning tide
Highlight your body like a coast line

When you were born, the golden apple
Tell them I’ll answer instead.
You are my one my only Salome
Go and present my, head?
Go and present my, head?
Go and present my, head?

All right you can take me for a long ride
My heart is high like a returning tide
Highlight your body like a coast line